I actually saw, with my own eyes, the following note, which was taped to the refrigerator in the breakroom of my workplace. I don’t know who wrote it (I do have my list of likely suspects) but I, and other people who saw it, are genuinely concerned that this person is about to have a nervous breakdown. We are hoping that this breakdown does not result in the person coming into work with a weapon and looking for the person who took the butter. We may have to call upon HR to have a meeting to diffuse the situation.

For the record, I did not take the butter. However, I have always considered condiments like cream, butter, jelly, mustard etc. to be of a communal nature. Obviously, it isn’t fair if someone uses all of it all the time and never pays for a replacement but generally I figure that type of stuff is up for grabs. If I bring in a large bottle of creamer I just assume other people are going to use it and will replace it when it’s finished. This system has worked out pretty well so far.

Apparently, the author of the note does not feel that way. You never know what is going on in someone else’s head; you can never know what is going to push them over the edge. I can only think that this is a sign of larger issues in this person’s life. And this may be the last straw.

Having said that, I have a strong urge to take the last of this person’s butter just to see what happens.

TO WHOEVER IS STEALING MY BUTTER:

FOR THE LAST MONTH SOMEONE HAS BEEN USING MY BUTTER WITHOUT PERMISSION. I BRING THIS BUTTER TO PUT ON MY BAGEL WHICH I TOAST AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE ANYONE TAKING IT WITHOUT PERMISSION. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE TOOK YOUR BUTTER? I BET YOU WOULDN’T. THIS IS VERY HURTFUL TO ME.

I BROUGHT IN FOUR (4) STICKS OF BUTTER IN ONE PACKAGE. THE PACKAGE IS CLEARLY MARKED WITH MY NAME. (Let me add that though the person claims it was marked with his/her name, I don’t recall seeing that; neither does anyone else.) I LIKE HAVING BUTTER ON MY TOASTED BAGEL IN THE MORNING. YOU ARE RUINING MY ENJOYMENT OF MY MORNING BAGEL AND I DO NOT LIKE DISRESPECT. YOU DON’T KNOW ME. STOP TAKING MY BUTTER. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE TOOKED STUFF THAT BELONGED TO YOU I BET YOU WOULDN’T? WELL I DON’T EITHER. PLEASE STOP TAKING MY BUTTER.

Margery’s manager calls her in about the butter note she taped to the fridge in the breakroom and also sent as a memo in an email to her coworkers. He reads the note out loud. There is something vaguely threatening about it. This is a long list of complaints that she has made. Many notes taped to the door, many emails sent. Things have started to spiral; her behavior has become more bizarre.

They have her on camera throwing the butter away herself. The reason they set the camera up in the first place is that there have been accusations that she has been stealing food.

She has been writing graffiti about herself on the wall of the bathroom and claiming harassment.

She tells her family that everyone at work hates her and is trying to undermine her. She says the same thing to a shrink. However, she is lying about all of it.

Why is she doing all of this? Her husband is cheating on her.

Shops online. Huge credit card bills. Online poker.

Husband is big into fantasy sports. Spends all his time on it.