Are you new at the office and trying to make friends? Worked at the same place for several years and still feel like you don’t fit in? Maybe it’s time to become a more likeable employee. Here are five ways to up your “friendly quotient” at the office.

1. Smile more and acknowledge your coworkers when you see them. Make sure they smile at you. Insist upon it.

2. Take more time to get to know your colleagues. “I’ve seen you going in to the bathroom a lot. Do you have a medical problem?” “Are you and your husband getting a divorce?”

3. Spend more time asking what others think. Ask them if they think you are doing a good job and if the boss likes you and if the other coworkers like you.

4. Be more helpful around the office. Bring in gluten-free snacks for everyone. Suggest weight loss programs. Tell everyone about your workout routine.

5. Give more compliments. “Hey Mike, have you been working out? You look awesome! Very sexy!”

If you do these five things The Working Experience guarantees that you will be the most popular person in the office or your money back.

Five Ways to Make Yourself a Really Unlikeable Employee

1. Come to work smelling like urine. Unless it’s unavoidable.

2. Be needy and annoying. Except when you need to be.

3. Tell stupid jokes. Tell really awesome jokes.

4. Give too much information. Unless you really need to get it off your chest. “I have a urinary tract infection.”

5. Lean over people and breathe on them. Unless it’s unavoidable.

You know what? Your coworkers are a bunch of assholes. Don’t worry about what they think. Just be satisfied with stealing their lunches.